Wednesday, 25 June 2008

The Glorious Destruction of the Soul

Good morning. from this position i can see a steadily emptying cup of tea. but i'm not here to talk about that. i'm here to talk about sex. from the behind-closed-doors victorianesque beatings with a rough paddle to the open, filthy and obscene pornography that depicts women doing all kinds of things. oh yes, all kinds of things.

sex was first discovered by the egyptians, who used it as a form of sacrifice to the gods. the ejaculated fluids would be kept in a ceremonial bowl and left on a stone altar overnight. if when the priests returned the liquids were gone they knew the goddess bukkakenosis was pleased. if they were still there in the morning then they would be reverentially smeared on the curtains, for they were not holy enough.

the next recorded use of sex is from the romans. 1st century AD rome was full of sex, so much so that it became a public nusiance and Emperor Orangutanius IV established the Jitler Cavalry XI who would ride through the streets at night scooping up sex wherever they found it and putting into small containers. these would then be sealed with wax and placed downstream in the Tiber, the first known example of human pollution affecting nature, as the great recorder Anusol wrote: "and when the sex did leak from the waxen jars there was a great orgy in the sea and all the fish did go at it like bunny's. and for 10 years was there not a hungry mouth in all of Rome."
we leave ancient Rome and travel east, where the Sex Technicians of China are just starting to come into their own, and someone else's too. Known to the people as the 'Lucky bastards', the sex technicians were employed by the Emperor to devise new ways of having sex, so that it could be used to hold back the mongol invaders, and they came up with a plan so fiendish that is use in modern times is considered a war crime. a call up was sent around the town for the most stuck up, picky women they could find. after the first ten thousand had been found they raised the standard a bit and stuck at fifty thousand. as the mongol horde streamed over the hills and land the women were loaded into catapults and fired at the mongol camp the night before the battle. as they landed the barbarian mongols grabbed the woman to have them as they willed, but they had not bet on the chinese ingenuity. as the woman were dragged bodily into the tents they immediately began complaining about the state of the yurt, refusing to put out until a bit of cleaning was done. amazingly to our modern eyes, even after the mongol had wiped down the surfaces with a bit of mr.sheen and a duster and changed the bed covers, the woman then claimed to have headaches. the mongols were broken and disheartened and by the morning their lines were broken. they did not go without leaving their mark however, as they constructed a wall stretching from one end of china to the other, left it for a few months and then sent letters to the Chinese mothers saying that they hadn't dusted the wall in ages and it was in a real state, and they had a girl on it with them and they were showing each other their willys and fannys. 10,000 suicides from embarrasment followed, accompanied with 100,000 clipped ears. it is said the sound of the thousands of Henry Hoovers used to clean the wall could be heard on the moon, and the mothers tutting combined to create a super ball of sound that travelled backwards through time and killed the dinosaurs, scientists believe.

the next major histori-sexual event came in the reign of Henry the second. during the early years of his reign Henry became friendly with Thomas Beckett, and they would while away their time drinking from kegs of ale and working out crazy schemes of how to get into a lady's boudoir. their initial plans, involving drilling holes in the walls of the Nun's shower rooms failed when sister Gretta, the german exchange nun, grabbed Henry by his member and pulled furiously. it was only after an incident at a strip-tavern, where the serving wenches would remove their bustles and corset for a fee, that Henry uttered the immortal words and sealed Beckett's fate.
we move on now to the renaissance and the city of Florence, where Leonardo Da Vinci, the worlds cleverest man, is painting the Mona Lisa. this most famous of paintings hides a secret though, for underneath Da Vinci's feet is a small bellow contraption that he pumps gently. at the end is a length of tubing that snakes along the floor until it reaches the models stool, where, concealed inside the frame, it blows on a small fan that in turn rotates a counterweight creating a vibration effect. the ingenius design of the chair means that the vibration is focussed on Lisa'a lady garden, thus creating that enigmatic smile known throughout the world.

sex was of course banned throughout the Crimean, first and Second world wars for fear that the enemy would demoralise the troops by ringing them up halfway through and offer them great deals on their home insurance, thus putting them right off their stroke. inventor of the telephone, Alexander Graham Bell, was whipped furiously by the American President for that same offence only 3 days after the invention of the telephone.

Sex has come along way from the its initial usage, but no more so than in the last 50 years. gentle, rhythmic back and forth motion with only a slight sensation has become sixty-nine, doggy style, anal, double penetration, felching, bukkake, deputy prime-minister's delectations,blow job, deep throat, throat fucking, cum on body part of choice, rear entry, munging, captains' delight, amateur, arselicking, kinky boots, masturbation, cum swapping, Beano Annual 1987, rubber, leather, whips, paddles, in public, in the shower, on the 2:30 to wapping, roasting, shemale, transexual, bangkok ladyboy, mile high, verger's pleasure,foot fucking, oiled and slippery, creampie, handjob, cunnilingus, erotica, derotica, administrative assistants weekly returns, threesome, foursome, orgy, groupsex, rough sex, smooth sex and doing stuff with vegetables.

what an age we live in.

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