Wednesday, 25 June 2008

First, the Balls

half this stuff is from an old blog on myspace, the other half is from the last three years or so.



Time, with a capital, T

The Mob Lectures part 3

firstly i claim no quantum physics/theology doctorates yet this seems to make sense.

if man eventually discovers the ability to travel forwards through time then it proves the existence of God, or at least some higher power.

if there is a future to go to then the fate of the universe has already been decided, by who or what is debatable, but if it exists then it must have been organised. the argument is that it could be one of the possible futures as defined by peoples choices and there is an alternative future decided by the variation of those choices. this argument can be debated though, if there are alternative futures based upon different decisions then there must effectively be inifinite alternatives, as every decision, no matter how binary, has after effects that would affect the next decision.

example: i have a slice of cake. i decide not to eat it (a binary decision, eat or not eat) the affect of that decision is that i'm hungry, so i eat something else, someone else gets the cake. who eats that slice might be affected differently depending upon who they are and the choices they make preceeding and after eating the slice of cake. binary decisions, infinite possibilities.

now if there are infinite variations then A: travelling to one of those futures becomes near impossible because a time travel device would need to extrapolate a single future from an infinite amount. it would be set going and never stop because it could never find an end, like Pi (pie and cake, am i hungry? psycho-analytical lecture next time) this means B: time travel in this instance would be pointless. if it were possible to travel to one of these variations it wouldn't necessarily be the one that you ended up in, thus, pointless. it also implies some sort of metaphysical barrier between the infinite realities. this becomes too much like magic, where are these alternatives? they're identical but at the same time completely different. so long as we have a physical presence then they must also have a physical presence. too many impossibilities.

now the lack of time travel doesn't disprove the existence of God, Dinosaurs do.

Mob, practically speaking.

Pope Spunk

The vatican cleaners claim no pension. due to the overactive nature of every males testicles every morning they hold a raffle for who's gonna take home to pope's accidentally semen covered sheets which they ring out using a special press into a jar. thats then sold to Givenchy to be made into perfume and loreal for their cosmetics.

in a similar way to everyone has inhaled an atom of the charred corpse of hitler, every woman has probably at some point rubbed the holiest semen known to mankind into their faces.

fucking hell, what else are the catholic church going to do with it? it's gotta go somewhere and they can hardly stick it on Ebay.


Cultural Desert

(partially inspired by shelley's ozymandias, but nowhere near as good obviously)

Did you see this spiralling?
a hundred times around
the dreams of the insane and
pushers squeezing the drops
intravenous with needles
into the eyeballs of the dead.
A thousand revolutions for
the sake of this time where
the fat of the land is cut
for the entertainment of a billion
decaying eyes and souls of the billion
lying rigor mortis fucking in their
thrones of debt,
debt to the bank,
debt to society,
debt to themselves these kings and queens
of credit card coroneted the day they
were specially selected
to receive these offers.
Did you hear the half groan mumblings?
of this graffito ejaculate that
stains pure white a million
lives splashed against the wall.
Did you see
that no great edifice marks this age?
that does not stand on corrupt foundations
of paper that cannot take the weight and
crumbles to ash with mocking impertinence.
A hundred years from now
there is only the desert burnt to glass,
reflecting the deep ether
of this shitty city humanity.
A blot on the edge cannot grip
in greased palms that slip
and drop into the abyss.
Did you feel the rot?
of fear of terror,
that ever present grip of
panic tightens round the
strongest of us and makes
grown men weep
at the laughter of children
where every moment
is a blessing
from a eunuch god.
Did you pass through this night?
Under the infinite lights of a thousand flames
that collapse this earth.
Not stars, but missiles.


(this got me a 66, for those who wanted it, here it is)

The Quartavo

Mortis Bellum Vita Pax. Arise the Four and guide us.
Death in War. War for Life. Life for Peace.
Peace in Death.
The first of these is Death.

Book 1: The Beginning through the Death of Nothing.

1.The First Harvest.

The eternal nothing both surrounding and part of Death, the Infinite. The ‘Angel’ of Death, Yoma, Izanagi, Enma, Shachath, Morrigan.
All are false, “Gods” bear no relation to the true lord that brought all by the taking of the soul of nothing.
The infinite, took of himself the nothing and harvested it. The destruction of the infinite created the something, the finite.
First of the finite are the Three; and being the first their existence shall outlast all but their lord, so said the Infinite, the first words spoken in the age of creation.
The Three all equal, Pax, Vita, Bellum; Peace, Life War. All serve the infinite. The second words of the infinite, Death in War, War for Life, Life for Peace, Peace in Death.

2.The Age of Creation

The infinite now tasted the Ahgash, or soul, of the nothing and charged the Three to create more so that he might harvest them.
Bellum gouged a thousand shining eyes from his head, divided them each a thousand times and spread them across his black blood that spilled across the infinite.
Pax pulled five teeth from its mouth and ground them to spheres, then spread them across the black blood.
Lastly Vita spread the essence of life onto each of the teeth and life was born. So created were the lights in the sky, the five centres of life, and the black that separates them.
And on the second of Pax’s teeth first grew man and woman.

3.The Trial of The Schriptors

Jaboleth, being the first to bear the Ahgash, was blessed by the Infinite with power of speech and thought, and blessed was his mate Freya also.
And he sent the Three as men to speak to them and Bellum said, ‘you must remove your neighbour and take his land’.
And Pax said, ‘this shall bring you the peace of safety hereafter’.
And Vita said, ‘through peace you shall gain life eternal in the realm of the infinite.
And Bellum gave to Jaboleth a spear of metal.
And Pax touched Jaboleth’s mind and gave him the peace to fight with a clean mind.
And Vita laid armour upon his shoulders to hold his life within.
And Jaboleth took the spear and armour and fought his neighbour Assan and killed him and took his land.
And the Three came again to Jaboleth and Bellum said, ‘you have harvested the Ahgash of Assan’ and Pax said, ‘the infinite has received it into his realm and placed it in the lower depths’ and Vita said, ‘Assan was weak, you Jaboleth are strong, bring more Ahgash to the infinite and you shall earn a place in the higher court.’
Jaboleth left Freya and searched the land for the weak, sending a hundred Ahgash to the eternal realm. The infinite was impressed by Jaboleth’s prowess and so sent the Three to test him.
The Three appeared at the house of Jaboleth in the disguise of beggars and ruffians when Jabboleth was away
Knowing that Jaboleth would return before the sunset they set upon Freya and used her. Upon returning to his home, Jaboleth set upon the Three, not recognising their true forms.
He fought all three, but each cut he made healed before his eyes. Bleeding and wounded in the chest he fell and the Three stood around his dying body. With his last strength Jaboleth thrust at the Three even as his eyes grew heavy.
Then the Three revealed their true forms. Jaboleth had passed the test and they laid hands upon him. His wounds healed and his armour was replaced by a robe of white.
The Three spoke as one, ‘Jaboleth, your time of war is over, you have earnt peace, you shall be the prophet of the Four, you shall write down the true words of the infinite so that all shall know.
And Jaboleth took the name Schriptor Verum, the Writer of Truth, and the Three took the memories of the test from Freya and gave her the name Schriptor Deligio, the writer of love.
And the Three charged the Schriptors to spread the words of the infinite, for the infinite had seen that through Verum and Deligio, Man could create new Ahgash.
And so the Schriptors wandered the lands, from the frozen northern waste to the heat of the south and each they visited listened to the words of the Four and followed them faithfully.
Then there came a time when Jaboleth and Freya wandered in the white mountains and they were set upon by seven Foukai, a tribe from the eastern desert.
The Schriptors put their faith in the words they had written and held the books to their breasts. Four of the Foukai struck at Jaboleth and their blows glanced off the skin of the tomes but three struck at Freya and they passed through the book and into her heart.
A great light spilled from Freya’s wounds causing the Foukai to flee but still Freya lay dying.
And as Jaboleth held her in his arms he called to the Four to save her, and the Three appeared before him and spoke,
‘ Schriptor, your life has been blessed by us, you have been given knowledge beyond all others, you have been given followers innumerous, it is her dedication to you that gives her a seat in the Infinite’s realm.’
And so with their words the Three took the Ahgash of Freya and departed for the Eternal Realm. And Jaboleth took the body of Freya into the cave and wept until not a drop of water was left in his body.
And there he lay down and died, each of the Schriptors clutched the two books that begin the Quartavo. And the Ahgash of Jaboleth was harvested by the Infinite and the Infinite was pleased by the succulence of an Ahgash spent in worship to him.

4.The Jar of Anfar

1. In the town of Balen ruled a faithless warlord Hunan with many men.
2. In his hall hung the heads of the chiefs of the Itsac and the Faren and the Guri.
3. And on his walls hung the spears of Nuhai and Numai.
4. And at his feet lay the tribute of the tribes of the Mazarites and the Lofen.
5. Hunan’s youngest son, Ralyn, left the court to travel the lands and seek new conquests for his father.
6. And in the lands of Wafe he came upon a village, and in the tavern there he met an old man in the robes of a Mistich.
7. And the Mistich told Ralyn of a town where the Mistich knew of a great treasure.
8. Ralyn rode for twenty days of the desert to the town of Kolt and went straight to the house of the Mistich.
9. And the Mistich Fras told Ralyn of the town of Anfar, and a Jar within given to the town by the Four that held a treasure of immeasuarable value.
10. Ralyn rode for his father’s home without sleep and went straight unto his court.
11. And Hunan saw his son, dusty and fatigued from riding and asked him what he had found.
12. And Ralyn told his father Hunan of the town of Anfar and the treasure the Mistich spoke of.
13. And Hunan called his men to arms, and a thousand of his men heeded his call.
14. Hunan stood upon the steps of his hall and spoke to his men,
15. ‘Men of Balen we shall be rich this day, my son Ralyn has found the town of Anfar. It is a town of Mistichs and monks, they have no army, they have but a single wall around their town but they hold one of the treasures of the Four. I shall have it as my own.’
16. And the men of Balen marched with Hunan and Ralyn at their head. And they came upon the simple town of Anfar and they stormed the walls and the Mistichs and the monks fled to the great temple at the centre of the town.
17. And the men of Balen charged through the streets and stopped at the temple steps.
18. And Hunan stepped forward and demanded the Mistichs give up the treasure of the Four.
19. And far above them a stone door opened onto a ledge and a great stone jar was toppled by the monks and the water fell upon to heads of the men of Balen.
20. Each man of Balen lay down his arms and Hunan watched as all, including Ralyn, began repairing the walls of the town and replacing the damage they had caused.
21. And Hunan, whom the water had missed, turned to see the temple doors open and out stepped the Mistich Fras. And Hunan demanded to know what magic he had done.
22. Fras replied ‘this is the power of the Jar of Anfar, each of your men has had his mind purged of war, he knows only peace, this is the power of Pax’
23. And so saying he threw water from the Jar over Hunan.
24. And Hunan laid down his sword and began tending to the houses of the town.

Mortis Bellum Vita Pax, Arise the Four and Guide us
Death in War. War For Life. Life for Peace.
Peace in Death.
The Second of these is War.

Book 2: The Revival of the Four.

1.The Crusade Upon the Faithless

With the Schriptor’s death the words of the Infinite were forgotten and false Gods were created, all corruptions of the true Four.
The true Four waited for the day of Kin’pah, the reckoning.
And on the Four thousandth cycle of the eyes, a boy entered the cave wherein the schriptor’s lay.
And the boy found the Schriptor’s books, and he read them, and the Three appeared before him.
And upon seeing the Three, the boy fell to his knees and wept but the Three raised him by the arms and touched his forehead.
And upon the boy’s forehead they burnt the symbol of the infinite, three circles entwined in a fourth.
And the Three spoke, ‘You are but a child, but your Aghash is strong, take the weapons we give you and go forth, bring about the old ways to the people.’
And the Three once more armed the boy as they had Jaboleth, and named him Sujes’.
And Sujes’ went to Brieth, and spoke to his people, but they did not believe his words, so he returned to the cave of the schriptors.
Sujes’ told the Three of what had happened in the town and the Three touched his spear, making it shine brighter than the sun so that the people might see the power of the infinite.
And Sujes’ returned to the town, and spoke to the people, and showed them the spear and the people accused him of trickery and beat him about the head with shoes and sticks.
Once more Sujes’ returned to the cave and told the Three of what had happened in the town, and the Three touched his breast and made the heart of Sujes’ beat louder than the drums of the Gurbahn, so that the people might hear the love of the infinite.
Sujes’ returned to the town and spoke to the people, and they heard his heart beat. Once more they thought it evil magic, and they tore the bricks from their houses and stoned Sujes’ until he fled.
And once more he returned to the cave of the Schriptors, and he told the Three once more what the townspeople had done. Once he had finished the Three stripped him of the beating heart, the bright spear and the armour of Jabboleth and sent him to the town naked.
And Sujes’ spoke to the people, standing naked and unafraid in the centre of the town. And the people saw his nakedness and saw in it the naked truth of his words and the learnt of the Four, and swore to follow Sujes’.
And the Three appeared to Sujes’ and he spoke, ‘my Lords, why did they not follow me when I showed them your power, but they listened when I was naked?’
And the Three replied, ‘the people have heard the lies of other God’s garbed in gold finery, only one who foregoes the dress of a false prophet may truly lead them. This is the lesson of humility’.
And Sujes’ led the people of Brieth to the town of Raka, and then to Fiq Slam, then to the fields of Gaffa, and in each he forewent the armour of the Schriptors and spoke to the people naked, and in each the people received the mark of the Four and joined the crusade of the inifinite.
In the grand city of Kobyar sat the king of the lands, Bin Falook, and his messengers brought him news of the crusade rising in his stolen lands.
Bin Falook was angered by his messengers, and he sent one hundred of his men to kill Sujes’ and his followers.
A cycle of the eyes passed and no word came from his army, and Sujes’ popularity grew and more towns followed him. So Bin Falook sent two hundred of his men to kill Sujes’.
Another cycle of the eyes passed and no messengers came, and Sujes’ became ruler of a quarter of the lands. Bin Falook sent five of his best Hashashim to kill Sujes’ as he slept.
Another cycle of the eyes passed, and no messenger came to tell Bin Falook of his Hashashim’s success. And Sujes’ led half of the people of the land. Bin Falook rode from his palace with his sons and five hundred of his palace guard.
And they came to the open field of Oban, where Sujes’ and his warriors were camped. Bin Falook rode out onto the plain and demanded Sujes’ submit and release the men of Bin Falook’s army.
And Sujes’ rode out to meet Bin Falook, and hearing his demands he raised a fist and struck the silver armour on his breast.
And from out of his camp came the three hundred men that Bin Falook had sent against him, each arranged in a rank of sixty, each led by one of the five Hashashim.
And all bore the mark of the Four.
Bin Falook was angered by the betrayal and rode back to his own lines to make preparations for battle.
Sujes’ remained in the centre of the field and removed his armour letting it drop to the ground, and he stood on his horse unclothed and addressed the army of Bin Falook.
‘Men of Kobyar, I stand before you as I did when Vita blessed my form with my Aghash, when Bellum armed me against the trials, when Pax healed my mind of conflict, and I stand as the Infinite shall receive me. These are the true Four and no other’.
And the men of Kobyar lay down their arms and armour and bowed before the power of the Four.
Bin Falook, fearing magic in Sujes’ words, closed his ears and the ears of his sons with wax and refused to listen to the words of Sujes’.
And once Sujes’ had finished, and the men of Kobyar had lain down their arms, Bin Falook flew into a terrible rage, having not heard the words of the infinite, and ordered his men to attack.
And the men turned on Bin Falook and his sons, and they dragged them from their mounts and beat them until their eyes and mouths were as shut as their ears.
And the men of Kobyar were about to kill the King when Sujes’ ordered them to stop and he approached the King and the Princes.
And Sujes’ ordered them stripped, and he took all of their gold and weapons and their mounts, and shaved their beards and heads so none would know them, and he sent them out as beggars to wander the lands.
And Sujes’ led the men to the city of Kobyar where a great sadness had spread for all the women thought their men dead at Sujes’ hand.
And there was a great rejoicing at the return of the men, and a great procession was led through the streets, and the people threw flowers from their windows, and children kissed the feet of Sujes’.
And Sujes’ went to the palace of Kobyar and ruled in the name of the Four, and the halls were hung with banners bearing the mark of the Four, and he had many sons.
And the women of the town bore many children, and the trees of the town bore many fruit, and the town was blessed with life.

2.The Last Words of Sujes’

1. After many cycles Sujes lay dying.
2. ‘Come my children to my side and hear my words’.
3. ‘I divide my kingdom among you’.
4. ‘Take not the lands of your brothers with force’.
5. ‘Allow not the scorpion to walk upon your lands or in your homes, allow not your servants to go barefoot upon the ground’.
6. ‘Rest not when the eye is high, nor work when it is low’.
7. ‘Bear no grudge to the man who spreads his seed upon your ground, for you must spread yours further and wider’.
8. ‘Follow the Four in all, follow death, as I do’.
9. Sujes’ body was carried by his sons from his bed to the temple of the city where he was burnt in a perfumed pyre with many oils and wrapped in a hundred silks.
10. And there was a great sadness in the city for a thousand days.

Mortis Bellum Vita Pax, Arise the Four and Guide us
Death in War. War For Life. Life for Peace.
Peace in Death.
The Third of these is Life.

1.The City of Modush and The City of Mogan

The youngest sons of Sujes’, the warrior Modush and the cunning Mogan, both born of the same moment, left the city of Kobyar and travelled far to the west.
They came upon a verdant mountain valley rich with metal and girt by a river filled with fish.
And the river fed the land, and the fruits and plants grew bountifully.
And Modush and Mogan fell to their knees and thanked the Four for the blessing of this place.
Modush took his family and built his house upon the mountain, closest to the place where he could find the metals to arm his men.
And Mogan built his house upon the river bank, and grew food and cattle to feed and clothe his men.
And many people came to the houses of Modush and Morgan and they grew to villages, then to towns.
And Modush found gold in the mountain and the jewellers of the town made him many rings and pieces for his hair and waist and Modush left his town to show his brother his wealth.
Mogan received his brother in his modest home and saw his many rings and said, ‘Modush my brother, I admire your finery, but I must ask for some tools, my farmers cannot produce stores for plenty in the cold days without metals’
But Modush replied ‘brother we cannot spare you metals, I have barely enough to arm my men against invaders’.
And Mogan sent his brother from his house in a rage, for he saw the waste of metals on his brother and called him a fool.
And Modush returned to his town and closed his gates to the people of his brother’s village.
Then came the cold days, and the people of the town of Modush starved for the land of the mountain could not produce enough food. And Modush looked down upon his brothers town and saw the food stores full of plenty.
And Modush stripped himself of his gold and his jewels and took upon the dressings of a farmer and came to his brother’s gates.
And he fell upon his knees before Mogan and said,
‘Brother I am a fool, please spare my people and share your food with us’
And Mogan replied ‘Brother you are a fool no longer, we will share our food as you must share your metal,’
So saying, Mogan lifted Modush to his feet and held him to his breast. And Mogan shared his food, and Modush shared his metal.
And between the two towns a great temple was built with doors open to both towns.
And every cycle of the eyes the men of Modush brought metal and the men of Mogan brought food and it was exchanged.
And after many cycles the two towns became one city, and the walls stood for a thousand cycles.

2.The Judgement of the Infinite

1. The Three, those that came after the Infinite, those whose existence would only end moments before the Infinite’s.
2. The Triumvirate watched man and learnt of his strengths and of his weaknesses.
3. And greatest of the weaknesses they saw was pride, the false trickery of manself.
4. So taken with pride were the Three that they attempted it upon themselves.
5. And Bellum said ‘I am strongest, for I make men fight their closest friend’.
6. And Vita said ‘I am strongest, for without me there would be no will in man to fight’.
7. And Pax said ‘I am strongest, for without me, there would be only war’.
8. And the Three began to argue amongst who was strongest, and they roared so loud in anger that the infinite heard and sought the source of the conflict in his realm.
9. The infinite, finding the Three in deep debate sought the reason for the argument and heard their reasons.
10. Upon hearing their reasons the Infinite laughed and said,
11. ‘None but I am strongest. War without death is no war, life without death is no life, peace without death is not peace. All of you answer to me. None are stronger nor weaker than the other, that is your gift over man’.
12. ‘Only through dedication to you three, and myself above all, can man join my realm.’

3.The Benefits of True Faith

In the peaceful and fertile lands of Gurnat, in the market town of Dank, lived a man named Froha.
Froha left his home and wandered the desert when he came upon a lion caught in a trapper’s pit.
The lion was wounded in the leg by a spike, so Froha drew his sword and slit the throat of the lion. Froha then sat, his arms held out, palms up in the manner of the beggars of Deneb.
A merchant passed and asked him what he held his hands for, and Froha replied ‘my reward from the infinite’.
And the trapper came and took the lion from the pit and asked Froha what he held his hands for and Froha replied, ‘my reward from the infinite’.
and after the seventh day the Three appeared before Froha, who was weak and could barely sit straight and asked him what he held his hands for, and Froha replied,
‘I gave the Ahgash of that great beast to the infinite, I have been faithful my whole life and I have received no great rewards like those of the Schriptors or Sujes’. Where is the payment for my Ahgash?’
Vita spoke thus, ‘When your mother bore you, I gave you life, that is your reward.’
Bellum spoke, ‘The tribe of the south made war upon your king, I made your king stronger so his people, you, were not killed. That is your reward.’
Pax spoke last, ‘We have spoken to you now, that is your reward.’
And Froha stood and bowed his head and spoke,
‘Forgive me my lords, I knew know better. My small head cannot comprehend the changes you make that improve the life of the faithful in such great ways. Please allow me to serve you.’
And the Three stripped him of all but a piece of leather and gave Froha a knife no longer than his smallest finger and no sharper than wood and spoke to him,
‘Take these and earn our forgiveness. The tribes of the south begin to rise again, go serve your king and the Four.’
And Froha took the blade and the leather and marched for the south and met the army of his King.
And the King’s men laughed at this man, wearing nought but a leather and bearing nought but a short blade.
Froha made camp with the men and took a stone from the ground, and sharpened the blade until it cut through the toughest meat,
And he took the leather and painted the mark of the Four upon it and bound it about his head.
The next day the king made war, and Froha was at the front of the charge, and he slew the tribe of the south viciously.
Scores fell before him until he came upon Camelus, the champion of the tribe of the south.
And Camelus swung a great hammer at Froha’s head but Froha did not move.
The hammer could not touch Froha’s skull, which bore the protection of the Four, and Camelus fell back sore afraid.
And Froha leapt upon Camelus and cut him one hundred times about the face and chest and Camelus fell.
And when he looked upon the body of Camelus he heard the voice of the Three telling him that he had earned their forgiveness.
Froha took the armour of Camelus and the Hammer of Camelus and the King’s army cheered him for the tribe of the south was defeated and fleeing.
But Froha would not stop and he chased each man of the tribe of the south and killed him with the Hammer of Camelus and took their teeth and kept them on a bag about his waist.
And Froha became the champion of his King’s army, and after thirty cycles he left for the Infinite’s realm and felt the eternal love of his Ahgash’s consumption.

Mortis Bellum Vita Pax, Arise the Four and Guide us
Death in War. War For Life. Life for Peace.
Peace in Death.
The Fourth of these is Peace.

1.The Vision of the Day of Sundering

The Prophet Nezeriah walked the path of Bellum’s Spear, crossed the River of Vita’s Bounty and succumbed to the Ritual of Pax’s Calm.
As he lay in the great city of Eban, waiting for the infinite, he was blessed with a vision gifted by the Eternal and his scribe wrote what he saw;
‘I see a great stone fall from the realm of the Infinite and crash upon the ground and it will shatter the ground into four and the waters shall pour in and the land will drift like leaves upon a lake.’
‘And man shall not know his brother upon the drifted lands for many cycles.’
‘The four lands shall be like the Four who guide, war shall rule upon one, peace upon the second, life upon the third and death over one and all.’
‘But the people shall forget the ways of the Four and a great sadness shall infect the souls of man and he will not know truth of the Four and this will make him weak and powerless.’
‘The ground will split once more not in the physical but in the minds of men and they shall divide themselves upon false gods.’
‘And the infection of the soul will spread to the mind and false gods will rise, none as powerful as the infinite, and the false gods will be alike but different, and this shall cause great conflict amongst men.’
‘Then will come a time when man shall harness the sea like a rider upon a horse and he shall use it, and it will carry him so that the men of war can travel to the men of peace and make war, and the men of life will visit the lands of death and the people shall mix.’
‘And all the lands shall then know war, and peace, and life, and death, and man shall spread, and he shall live by the tenets of the Infinite though he shall know it not.
Death in War, War for Life, Life for Peace, Peace in Death.’
At the end of the first day, Nezeriah slept.

2.The Vision of The Day of the Faithless

Upon waking the second day, again Nezeriah saw a vision and the scribe wrote;
‘There will come those that preach false, in all the lands they shall wear the robes of the Mistich but spread the lies of the false gods. And the people will follow like the lamb follows the shepherd.’
‘And they shall claim to have the ear of ‘Gods’ and they will hold sway over Kings and Emperors and all shall kneel before the man of white and gold.’
‘I see faithless men of metal walk upon the ground and they make war upon the faithless. I see no faith wherever I espy man.’
‘The faithless will fight over trinkets and words, false words and false trinkets and none shall know the love of Pax for many years.’
‘And man shall throw spears of fire that pass through metal as if like cloth, and Lords shall sit on thrones of stone while their men pass fire amongst them.’
‘And the ground shall turn red and the blood will flow like water upon the ground and into the mouths of the dead.’
‘The blood shall leave stains upon the ground that no rain will wash and all will mark the place of death with sorrow in their minds and hearts.’
‘I see the spears of fire grow larger, metal spears of fire thrown high in the sky then dropping upon the faithless from the faithless and causing death and disease and the dying crying blood in the streets for they know not that they are to be welcomed in the Realm of the Eternal.’
‘And man shall know power unimaginable, power over the land, the sea, the sky and he shall even know the caress of the Infinite’s realm before his time, but still he shall know no peace.’
‘Many shall rise above the others and invoke Bellum, and Bellum shall answer their call and give the land war like no other, and scores of scores of scores of Ahgash shall ascend and the Infinite will gorge upon the succulence.’
Ended the second day, and he slept once more.

3.The Vision of the Day of the Redeemer

Nezeriah rose the third day and was blessed once again;
‘Then will come the time of great feast and great famine.’
‘For some will know nought but full stomachs and full minds and shall taste of every tree and shall savour the finest delicacies of thought.
‘And some shall know nought but hunger, shall reside in the basest of huts, shall watch as their young die and their fields grow nought but dust and they shall know no beauty nor the taste of life.’
‘For none will come from the feast for the famine, nay, the little of the famine will come to the feast and there will be great sadness upon the land.’
‘Yet from the feast, one shall rise who bears the mark of the famine, and he shall be a man of war yet he will be of peace.’
‘And he shall lead the famine to the feast, and the food that the feast drop upon the ground shall no longer fall into dust but into the mouths of the famine.’
And the feast shall make room upon their table for the famine and break their bread with them and their will be much rejoicing.’
‘And the one who bears the mark of famine will lead the united people to a glorious land. and he shall bring about the return of the Four to the land.’
‘Each man will work for himself, and each man will work for the betterment of other men, and each will accept the help of their fellow man.’
‘The people shall know the love of the Four and the land shall know the love of the Four and no longer will there be imbalance. Justice shall reign.’
And Nezeriah slept the third night.

4.The Vision of the Day of the End

The fourth day came, and Nezeriah awoke with fire in his eyes;
‘The day of Kin’pah must come, as it was with the destruction of the nothing, so the something must end, the end of the finite, the final consumption.’
‘Man shall cover every ground and he shall search the infinite and he will find the four other teeth of Pax that contain the Ahgash of life.’
‘One tooth will make war, one will make peace, one will share life, one will share death, so it has been, so it is, so it will always be.’
‘And the five teeth will combine and share their seed, and the new race shall be born and they shall unite the five, and then the Kin’pah will begin.’
‘The Eternal shall begin consuming itself, taking the Ahgash of the eyes of Bellum and the blood he spilled.’
‘Then he shall gorge on the Ahgash of the five teeth, and each shall be judged unto their place in his realm.’
‘And then the Three shall be allowed to enter the realm, and they shall do gratefully.’
‘And lastly the Infinite shall consume himself and there will be nothing but nothing.’
Nezeriah’s last words in this realm;
‘I see five words in fire across the sky, Death then War then Peace then Life;
And the last word is Death.’

poetry should be written by horses

Now I’m Lost.
Concise contrivances push and tear
le petit mort.
now I’m lost.
Ineffectual inflatables keep
my head above water while
gravediggers keep me covered.
I’m not the percent you think survive.
Unforgettable thoughts
of erected extensions.
Now I’m lost
wandering through a smoke ash forest
getting trapped up to the neck in
the passing fog storms of problems
from Pompeii rains of flash fire disasters.
Quetzalcoatl wings
of melancholy sacrifices,
Now I’m lost,
in swirls of flies fucking and
the black dog stalks
through haunted synapse,
barking at the moon.
Grateful and thankful and blessed
we are for what we are about to receive.
The greatest gift bestowed
upon the beasts of man,
le petit mort.

experiments with voice

Hunter’s Song.
John was loading up the flatbed with the tents and food and beer, throwing them like they weren’t worth nothing but I’d spent two hundred on that tent and I’d told him. Mike was in the store getting thousands of rounds by the looks of it and I was sat up front in the truck, oiling the stocks and blacking the barrels before zipping them back into their bags. We had been planning this trip into the woods ever since Frank from accounting had come back bragging how he’d bagged four deer in one weekend and we weren’t gonna let no numbers jockey get the better of us so Mike had found the name of the company he’d booked and where it was so we were loading the flatbed ready to head west to Rooster Woods. John climbed in and took his rifle off me with nothing more ‘an a grunt, making a big show of checking it like he knows what it’s all about but he just zipped it up and put it back between my legs and I gripped it real tight. Mike gets in next to me with a crate of ammo and a big grin like he’s just won the lottery or something. He prises off that lid and I’ll say I’ve never seen so much brass in my life but I tell him it ain’t no use having so many bullets we can only fire one at a time but he’s all excited and pushing me til my hat falls on the floor by my feet and I have to push the rifles out the way to get to it and they nudge John who’s starting the truck and he jerks into first gear so I bang my head against the dash.
Getting out of town is easy, roads are clear as water so soon we’re in the woods on a dirt track. I’m stuck between the guys so I can’t see so good either side but in front I’ve got a great view of these redwoods like barbed spears reaching to the sky and piercing the blue. Suddenly we come on this deer, right in the middle of the road and it’s just looking at us, staring me right in the eyes so I stare back. John shuts off the engine just to look but Mike’s already fighting at my legs to get his gun. I’m not moving at all and he’s getting frustrated all I can look at is this animal staring right at me with these brown eyes that seem burning like fire right through my brain and I’m getting this thought that maybe it ain’t such a good idea to go killing. Mike finally gets his gun out but he’s so clumsy he pulls it right out and into the roof of the truck which makes this noise and scares the deer back off into the wood, this white diamond against the red brown trees. Mike punches me on the arm and tells me to get a good look cos that’s all I’ll see this weekend and I tell him to get a good look himself cos if he hits me again I’ll stick his head up one so fast but he doesn’t shut up and the next three miles all we hear is Mike saying how many Bucks and Stags he’s gonna bag. John’s silent the whole way with this deep river thing he’s got going on not saying nothing just driving steady, I don’t reckon he really wanted to come but Mike said he had to cos if it was just me and him then it’d look gay, they needed a third to make sure it weren’t gay.
I ain’t been in the woods since I went with my Pop when I was eleven. We’d set the tent out then sit on a tree stump and he’d be feeling in his pocket for the cigar he knows is there, this big stogie he always takes with him hunting that smells terrible foul. I only ever saw him smoke when he’s hunting. One time we was in the woods and there weren’t nothing for hours and hours and we were about to leave but then this big stag, antlers must have been four foot or nothing and he takes his rifle and fires on and it goes down, but even as were walking over we could hear it breathing so my dad takes out his knife and slits its throat and I watch the blood sprat over his face and he doesn’t even wipe it, just takes out his cigar, strikes a match on the tree and takes this big lungful of that foul cigar. I’m looking right at this bloodstained barbarian standing over his kill and I started thinking that day. I still got that knife strapped to my belt right now as we jump over this dirt track and the handle knocks my side every time we land.
Soon we’re at this big compound, chain link fence and all razor wire round the top and I figure somethings funny and we stop at this little booth and this little man in a big uniform comes out all official and starts asking us for our names and licenses and shit. We hand it over and he goes back into his little booth and starts radioing to some other little guy in a little booth. Soon he’s out and he’s giving us back our licenses and he raises the gate for us and tells us to go along the road til we get to the big house at the end. Sudden all the road noise stops and we’re on proper flattop not that dirt track and it looks kind of funny gliding over this perfect black and having these big trees either side like everyone on our street decided all of a sudden to plant these trees out front to hide their houses. Above us some kind of bird swoops down and right across the front of the truck and into the trees on the other side and I reckon it’s a crow but Mike keeps on that it’s an eagle and that he’s seen an eagle and he’s gonna tell Frank when he gets back that he saw an eagle and how does he like that but I reckon it was a crow. When that little fellah said big house he didn’t quite lie but it weren’t the perfect truth. The truth would be a big mansion, that’s how I’d put it.
We park up out front and this guy comes out saying he’s our guide for this weekend. He’s got proper camouflage gear on and all this stuff on his hat. We’re all impressed so he tells us to shut our eyes and count to ten so we do it and when we open the he’s gone and we’re looking round when he walks out from the trees and none of us had seen him. Mike’s going on about where he can get that stuff and how much it is but the guy’s all business and he takes our stuff into the house, saying that the other guys will take it onto the campsite and we’ll hike the way with the rifles and see if we can’t get lucky. I’m sore from all the sitting and driving but the other guys are peachy keen so we head off straight away, Mike hands out the ammo one by one from his box the guy saying that they have all the ammo they need in the house but Mike’s so damn proud he refuses any on all our behalfs so he’s left carrying this big box of ammo and it won’t fit in his pack but he makes like he don’t care.
Each step I take I crush more leaves and that sends up that autumn smell of dead leaves and bonfires and all that straight into my brain and like that I’m back with my Pop taking potshots at birds cos he don’t think I can handle a deer yet but I know I can. Soon Mike and this guy are having a real quiet argument cos Mike’s lit up a cigarette and the guy’s telling him he can’t smoke because the deer’ll be downwind and they can smell it and they’ll run but Mike’s saying he’s needing a cigarette because it’s an addiction and an addictions a medical problem so he needs it, his doctor says so but I know his doctors told him to cutback but he won’t for no one. We’re walking about five miles and there are all these trees around and we can hear all the life in this place and I get to thinking why I’m here and all those big questions but then Mike’s arguing with the guy cos he’s raised his gun to take a shot at a bird to get the aim and guy’s explaining why that would be about the dumbest thing he could do. John’s just standing by a tree watching all impassive like he is a tree so I go stand by him and watch. I like John, when Pop died I was cut up pretty bad and wondering why we had to live just to die, why my Pop had to live if he was just gonna die and John takes me over to a mirror and makes me look at myself and just says, ‘That’s why’. I like John, he reminds me of Pop.
We’re back walking but not for long cos we stop again but this time it’s cos the guy’s stuck his hand up for us to halt and then he tells us to get down slowly and quietly. We’re crawling on our bellys up to him and he points and over just between two big trees a big stags grazing at ground. He ain’t seen us but we can see him for his big antlers. Mike’s first up with his rifle and he starts taking aim at it with the guy checking his range and aim over his shoulder. Mike agreed he should have first kill so me and John just wait on our stomachs in the mud but I bring my gun up anyways just to sight it and as I do it stands up proper like it knows we’re there and what’s coming and doesn’t want to die with its head buried in the ground it wants to go like a picture on a stamp or a whisky bottle, head up with the sun off its antlers.
Finally the guy’s happy so Mike takes his shot but he’s wide and down my sights I watch it fire splinters out of the tree and like a snap I fire and I know I hit it, but I know it weren’t a killing blow.
Mike’s bellyaching all the way over bout how I stole his kill and how he’s gonna tell everyone bout how I broke a gentleman’s agreement but I just ignore him because as we’re getting closer I can hear this breathing again and I’m back with my Pop but this time the knife’s on my belt. There’s this brown heap, its head all whacking against the ground and twisted cos the antler’s stop it from lying proper and finally Mike’s silent because there’s this beast, bout ten times bigger than down the sights of a gun and its lying there, this big hole in its ribs and all this blood staining its coat red and we’re watching and it’s lying there. The guy takes a step forward and reaches to his belt but John gets a hold of him because I’m reaching to my belt and taking out Pop’s knife and I don’t say nothing, I just reach down with the blade and cut its throat, this warm liquid covering my face.
I don’t wipe it or nothing, I just take out a cigar, strike a match, and smoke til I can’t smell the blood no more.

this should have been burnt years ago

(this is about the last piece i wrote that i want to read more than once in my life, no more than annually though)

The Earth is not a cold dead place.

Heavy slash death speed blood metal death machine guns
from the stereo, bullet holes the skin
across my ears.
Forcing down the brown hops into my gullet,
I get up and stagger through
the kitchen door.
Take a mug and watch the cold liquid glass pour
from the tap into the ceramic depths
And across my hand.
I wander blind through darkened rooms away from
The raging voices
Into silent parts I fall.

I have not seen a great event,
From the viewpoint of a single eye,
Have not witnessed man’s descent,
Not heard a soldiers dying cry.
I dreamt now a man walking,
followed by these demons’ stalking.

His head drags behind,
Leaving trails in the dust of his path,
Great burdens on his mind,
Being the one alive in the aftermath.
Brain filled with sights of destruction,
The world is gone through human corruption.

All but one saw god,
When they pressed the last button,
And that missile flew.

He walks now from here to there,
Bleeding feet through worn shoes,
There is no place but nowhere
Now except for dead houses.
Hauling his head through the shell remains,
The pulse of memories through his veins.

He wanders in a foreign land, the
Land he knew as home, the green green grass of
Home. A wasteland strewn with the hollow cars
Filled with hollow bodies. Now this giant
Headed freak is the norm, the only one
Left becomes the average, divided
By himself. He loots the stores of corpses
Taking everything at first, now
struggling to survive in a pointless
Spiral down, screwing into the ground. The
future of the species screwed by this great
Deformity of thoughts upon his brow.
The final destruction is stored there, one
Last twist of ironic hatred from the
mother we destroyed.

High stone walls bent to his eyes, this castle
Of insanity that housed infirm minds,
Loose anchored in the sea, of psychosis
And lunatic mentality. No current
Means no closed locks and a heave opens the
Cages. Inside one a single figure huddles
Clutching to its chest an unknown bundle,
A collection of rags, a precious jewel,
sobbing, weeping, crying out its eyes,
But still, motionless, unable to move.
Elation and joy unbound, another
Being, an explosion of thought, a riot
Of emotional colour and life.
he pushes at the figure, Its skin drops
away in flakes from its bones, charred like ash.
His own hands char, the infection of fire
Spreads like disease through his infernal frame,
An unfelt breeze blows through the cell taking
The corpse ash from the bones and the skin from
His body up to his neck he can only
Watch as the blackened carcass drops its jewel,
A doll, missing an eye, a plastic one
Stares into his, its voice box cry dies away.

He awakens with a start of fear, shame,
Burnt limbs wave in the air around his body
Grabbing at parts lost to the inferno,
Trousers soaked with terror forced urine,
He rises. Outside a barrow filled with
Charred earth, a single sprouting plant, green life.
Digs a hole with teeth and hand, places life.
Cups soil around this rebirth, an earthen womb.
He places his head upon the barrow
And pushes it forwards toward the dawn

The oval of a stadium, the roar
Of crowd and wind that now rushes through the
Stands, down the aisles. From out a pouch
A powder snuffed and from out his mind a
Twinkling star dances in front of his eyes.
His head starts to shrink now and he can stand,
Hold his head above his shoulders, now see,
The bodies strewn about him, swords in hands.
These fallen warriors locked in the fight
At point of death. He takes up a blade
Wiping the blood and mud across his sleeve
The crowd roars his name, roars like a beast,
The beast roar closer now, lions and bears.
From out the walls they set upon him.
He kicks at the lions leap, sending it
Flying to the ground, thrusts at the bears jaw,
Blood pours from its mouth and head, brain spiked
On the swords tip, wedged firm in its skull.
The lion once again, he holds its mouth
Apart, it snaps at his face, the dripping spit
Falls into his eyes and the smell into
His nose like fire the pain in his arms with
The strain finally the jaw snaps and the
Lion falls he takes another blade and
Plunges deep into its head and falls to
His knees. His head grows larger, the drugs fail.
The last of the powder now caked around
His nostrils.

Into one man’s mind,
The world’s history condensed,
Stretched like rubber.

Memories, the screams,
Forced into the head of a man,
He cannot bear it

barely damaged home, windows hardly cracked,
storm forms overhead, shelter from the rain
that sizzles, scorches, burns the flesh of men,
taps an acid fandango on the roof.
Upstairs another body lay in state
A wasted female form, famine death
But still whole, and hole. Temptation rises
For sins of the flesh where flesh can be found
He unbuttons and pulls down the covers.
The stench makes stiff men flaccid and unsure,
His resolve broken by the maggots about her door.

Takes himself in hand,
The burden of swelled organs,
Onan’s juice let free.

Not knowing his path,
Wandering straight on the road,
Instinct guides his feet.

Another man he has not seen since the
Last bombs fell and now high atop a cliff
Looking out across the land and sea afar,
A fall is the last step he will take into
The great unknown. A mystery that holds
No fear for one who has the seen the final
End of humanity. He lifts his head
And prepares to throw when out of the left
A figure pushes him from the edge and
Out of deaths grip and to safety of a sort.
He runs to this beneficent form but
Impaled upon the cart handle it dies,
Its last breath, “to the water, to the sea.”

The deepest blue washes towards him, he
drops to his knees, his head falls from the cart
onto the sand he crawls, pushing ever
onwards into the surf that tumbles on
his frame, pushes head from body. His heart,
clasped to his spine and lungs and stomach
wrench from his wasted bones into the surf.
The burden now is taken by the sea,
A new life swims in the soup. He is free.

The Glorious Destruction of the Soul

Good morning. from this position i can see a steadily emptying cup of tea. but i'm not here to talk about that. i'm here to talk about sex. from the behind-closed-doors victorianesque beatings with a rough paddle to the open, filthy and obscene pornography that depicts women doing all kinds of things. oh yes, all kinds of things.

sex was first discovered by the egyptians, who used it as a form of sacrifice to the gods. the ejaculated fluids would be kept in a ceremonial bowl and left on a stone altar overnight. if when the priests returned the liquids were gone they knew the goddess bukkakenosis was pleased. if they were still there in the morning then they would be reverentially smeared on the curtains, for they were not holy enough.

the next recorded use of sex is from the romans. 1st century AD rome was full of sex, so much so that it became a public nusiance and Emperor Orangutanius IV established the Jitler Cavalry XI who would ride through the streets at night scooping up sex wherever they found it and putting into small containers. these would then be sealed with wax and placed downstream in the Tiber, the first known example of human pollution affecting nature, as the great recorder Anusol wrote: "and when the sex did leak from the waxen jars there was a great orgy in the sea and all the fish did go at it like bunny's. and for 10 years was there not a hungry mouth in all of Rome."
we leave ancient Rome and travel east, where the Sex Technicians of China are just starting to come into their own, and someone else's too. Known to the people as the 'Lucky bastards', the sex technicians were employed by the Emperor to devise new ways of having sex, so that it could be used to hold back the mongol invaders, and they came up with a plan so fiendish that is use in modern times is considered a war crime. a call up was sent around the town for the most stuck up, picky women they could find. after the first ten thousand had been found they raised the standard a bit and stuck at fifty thousand. as the mongol horde streamed over the hills and land the women were loaded into catapults and fired at the mongol camp the night before the battle. as they landed the barbarian mongols grabbed the woman to have them as they willed, but they had not bet on the chinese ingenuity. as the woman were dragged bodily into the tents they immediately began complaining about the state of the yurt, refusing to put out until a bit of cleaning was done. amazingly to our modern eyes, even after the mongol had wiped down the surfaces with a bit of mr.sheen and a duster and changed the bed covers, the woman then claimed to have headaches. the mongols were broken and disheartened and by the morning their lines were broken. they did not go without leaving their mark however, as they constructed a wall stretching from one end of china to the other, left it for a few months and then sent letters to the Chinese mothers saying that they hadn't dusted the wall in ages and it was in a real state, and they had a girl on it with them and they were showing each other their willys and fannys. 10,000 suicides from embarrasment followed, accompanied with 100,000 clipped ears. it is said the sound of the thousands of Henry Hoovers used to clean the wall could be heard on the moon, and the mothers tutting combined to create a super ball of sound that travelled backwards through time and killed the dinosaurs, scientists believe.

the next major histori-sexual event came in the reign of Henry the second. during the early years of his reign Henry became friendly with Thomas Beckett, and they would while away their time drinking from kegs of ale and working out crazy schemes of how to get into a lady's boudoir. their initial plans, involving drilling holes in the walls of the Nun's shower rooms failed when sister Gretta, the german exchange nun, grabbed Henry by his member and pulled furiously. it was only after an incident at a strip-tavern, where the serving wenches would remove their bustles and corset for a fee, that Henry uttered the immortal words and sealed Beckett's fate.
we move on now to the renaissance and the city of Florence, where Leonardo Da Vinci, the worlds cleverest man, is painting the Mona Lisa. this most famous of paintings hides a secret though, for underneath Da Vinci's feet is a small bellow contraption that he pumps gently. at the end is a length of tubing that snakes along the floor until it reaches the models stool, where, concealed inside the frame, it blows on a small fan that in turn rotates a counterweight creating a vibration effect. the ingenius design of the chair means that the vibration is focussed on Lisa'a lady garden, thus creating that enigmatic smile known throughout the world.

sex was of course banned throughout the Crimean, first and Second world wars for fear that the enemy would demoralise the troops by ringing them up halfway through and offer them great deals on their home insurance, thus putting them right off their stroke. inventor of the telephone, Alexander Graham Bell, was whipped furiously by the American President for that same offence only 3 days after the invention of the telephone.

Sex has come along way from the its initial usage, but no more so than in the last 50 years. gentle, rhythmic back and forth motion with only a slight sensation has become sixty-nine, doggy style, anal, double penetration, felching, bukkake, deputy prime-minister's delectations,blow job, deep throat, throat fucking, cum on body part of choice, rear entry, munging, captains' delight, amateur, arselicking, kinky boots, masturbation, cum swapping, Beano Annual 1987, rubber, leather, whips, paddles, in public, in the shower, on the 2:30 to wapping, roasting, shemale, transexual, bangkok ladyboy, mile high, verger's pleasure,foot fucking, oiled and slippery, creampie, handjob, cunnilingus, erotica, derotica, administrative assistants weekly returns, threesome, foursome, orgy, groupsex, rough sex, smooth sex and doing stuff with vegetables.

what an age we live in.

Cannibalism for the under 40's

his sketch has some material taken from CRABMAN, THE MOTION PICTURE, but slightly adapted. it's also a little sick.

(In an Italian restaurant. A lovely couple are sitting down to dinner. The WAITER approaches with their food and places it on the table then takes the parmesan he was balancing on the inside of his arm.)

WAITER: would you like some parmesan on your food.

WOMAN: no thanks. Could we just have the bill?

WAITER: certainly. (Takes out the order pad from his pocket, rips off the top sheet, tears it neatly in half and places it neatly on top of their food and moves away)

MAN: (smelling food) mmm… delicious, I do enjoy a proper Italian meal.

WOMAN: Oh! Is this made with Italians?

MAN: uh no darling, made by Italians

WOMAN: oh of course… so the 'Italian' content of this meal would be…?

MAN: well, zero I suppose

WOMAN: (taking dieting book out of bag blazoned with the title, 'CANNIBAL CALORIES') zero Italian… (flicking through pages) Italian… Italian…ah yes, here we are, zero Italian is… good! Well, let's tuck in.

MAN: can't we have a night off the diet for once darling?

WOMAN: of course not, it's important that we maintain our strict diet so we can run this marathon for your Grandmother's hip replacement.

MAN: she needs that replacement hip because you ate it

WOMAN: I'm sorry but you know I was raised a cannibal when you married me and you told me you accepted that. Don't try to change me!

MAN: I'm not trying to change you darling, I'm just asking you to try something different for once

WOMAN: you know I don't like anything fancy, just simple home cooking.

MAN: simple home cooking doesn't normally involve Mr. Feathers from 42B

WOMAN: he was willing!

MAN: he was dead!

WOMAN: oh you've never understood me! You just married me for my money and my fabulous good looks

MAN: darling you know that simply isn't true

WOMAN: my mother warned me about men like you! Right before she ate Uncle Frank she said to me, 'That Steve is no good'

MAN: darling I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you, I truly didn't.

WOMAN: well… you did

MAN: and I'm sorry… look, shall we just pay for this and go home, we can open a bottle of wine and snuggle down on the sofa.

WOMAN: ok…

MAN: waiter!

(the WAITER enters)

WAITER: yes sir

MAN: could we have the cheque?

WAITER: certainly sir

(WAITER exits, a few moments of MAN comforting WOMAN when the WAITER re-enters followed by a man of eastern European origin)

CZECH: hello, my name is Janek

WOMAN: oh no thank you, I'm full of Italian.

the first generation of robots

MAN is sitting at a computer. flat is pretty nice and clean, obviously rather successful MAN.
MAN: damn this slow machine, when's my upgrade gonna get here
on cue, there is a knock at the door
MAN: aha (moves to the door and opens it, there is a DELIVERYMAN standing there next to a six foot tall box on a parcel truck.)
DELIVERYMAN: package for you, sign here
MAN: (signs clipboard, DELIVERYMAN wheels parcel in and exits) thankyou!
MAN pulls open box, a lot of foam packaging falls out revealing a very human like ROBOT wearing a suit and a smile inside.
ROBOT: good afternoon sir, i am Steve, your robot. i can perform a thousand and one tasks, i am also preloaded with Works version 5.0
MAN: i was hoping you'd have Word.
ROBOT: i'm afraid thats fifty pounds extra sir and should have been requested at the order date. would you like to see some of my online options?
MAN: ok
ROBOT pulls a folded adult magazine from inside his jacket and starts to display each page
MAN: oh god! ok, thankyou thats enough. can i stream my MP3 music (holds up mp3 player) through you?
ROBOT takes mp3 player from MAN, turns it on an puts on the headphones, starts to translate the music into beeps)
MAN: that doesn't really sound like my music
ROBOT: i am a polyphonic robot sir, we hope to be able to provide a realtone upgrade within the next five years
MAN: well ok, what else can you do? could you make me a cup of tea?
ROBOT: Tea function not found. A fatal error has occurred. the robot will now shutdown (stands their motionless)
MAN: what? umm, on (nothing) robot on
the robot 'wakes up'
ROBOT: your robot suffered a fatal error, it is reccomended that you restart in safe mode, please press ok (flips up palm to reveal 'OK' painted on it, MAN reaches over and presses it) you have chosen to restart in Safe Mode.
ROBOT moves over to the box and takes out a smaller box from inside that was behind (hopefully hidden in the packaging) with his back to the audience he takes out two inflated waterwings and a bike helmet and puts them on.
ROBOT: I have been restarted in safe mode. this is a diagnostic mode so that the fault can be identified. some of my functions have been disabled.
MAN: you've only been going 5 minutes, what went wrong?
ROBOT: i'm afraid i can't tell you that
MAN: then how am i supposed to find the fault
ROBOT shrugs shoulders
MAN: do you have a self-diagnostic program?
ROBOT: oh yes sir
MAN: then run it
ROBOT: bad command or file name
MAN: run diagnostic program
ROBOT: bad command or filename
MAN: hang on. um..ok.. run C : .. WONDOWS .. PROGRAM FILES.. DIAGNOSIS.EXE
ROBOT: running diagnosis (takes a stethoscope out of inside pocket and goes over to the man, starts listening to his chest with the stethoscope and looking at watch to count beats)
MAN: not on me you tit, end program! (robot returns to standing there motionless) right, wheres the manual? (goes over to the box and starts rummaging through packaging)
ROBOT: (after a short pause takes a paperclip with two boggly eyes stuck on it and talks out of the side of his mouth pretending its the paperclip talking) it looks like you're looking for the manual, would you like any help with that?
MAN: no thanks
ROBOT: (paperclip) it's time to save your work, would you like to save?
MAN: no!
ROBOT: (paperclip) are you sure you don't wish to save? if you do not save then you could lose your work
MAN: for god's sake! (moves to ROBOT) wheres the off switch
ROBOT: (paperclip) it looks like your trying to turn me off (takes out truncheon from pocket and hits MAN at opportune time when he isn't looking) you have not saved your work, please save before shutting down.
(keys rattle in the door and a WOMAN walks in, sees MAN on the floor and the robot standing there, she screams and runs to the phone.)
ROBOT: (Paperclip) it looks like your trying to ring the police (moves towards her brandishing truncheon) i am afraid i can't let you do that
end of scene just as he is about to strike.

On the Train

A young man is sat on a train reading a magazine, GQ or somesuch, ladsmag without so many tits, and in arty positions like around the lamp-post or something. down the aisle a trolley is pushed at high speed by a batty old woman who shouts "drinks...Refreshments" without really waiting for a response. the young man is prepared and puts his bag down in the aisle and waits for her to walk into it which she does
Woman: move your bag please it's a fire hazard
Man: (picking up bag as he speaks) can i get a cup of coffee, and have you got any ploughman's sandwiches?
Woman: no ploughmans
Man: cheese and pickle?
Woman: no cheese and pickle
man: prawn cocktail?
Woman: no prawn cocktail
Man: well...what cheesy sandwiches have you got then?
Woman: got alsatian
man: what?
woman: alsatian!
man: thats sick, i can't eat that
woman: well it's kind of like cheese
man: it's nothing like cheese, it's a dog
woman: was a dog, sir, was a dog, now it's a nutritious snack for the commuter on the go
man: you can't eat a dog!
woman: yes you can, it's been boned!
man: you can't eat a dog because it's an intelligent creature
woman: this one wasn't, fell in the mincer
man: oh thats horrible
woman: well if you don't like alsatian, how about terriyaki terrier?
man: oh god
woman: (reading from packet) using only the finest spices and cuts of rover this mouthwatering sandwich will fill you up all lunchtime
man: i will not eat a dog, no matter how mouthwatering it is
woman: alright then, how about fish?
man: whats the fish?
woman: tuna friendly dolphin
man: dolphin? you can't be serious?
woman: i did say tuna friendly dolphin sir, seeing as how dolphins get caught in tuna nets those clever fisherman worked out a special way of training tuna to make friends with the dolphins so they follow them into the nets. doubled their catch overnight they did sir. it was all over the news
man: i expect it was, this is ridiculous i just want a normal sandwich, a normal cheese sandwich
woman: i said we ain't got any cheese
man: alright, i'll have beef then
woman: beef? you're sick (storms off)

The Manager's Office

Ted enters from a door in the left hand wall into a managers office, standard lamp,, standard chair, in and out tray, assorted stationary. the desk is neat but not fastidiously so, there are two chairs,on either side of the desk, both are empty. The desk itself is constructed with a flat panel along the front so we cannot see underneath it. on the back wall, unnoticed by Ted is a large window with the curtains drawn, beneath the curtains we can see a single pair of legs, they belong to the MANAGER. Ted looks round the office, not noticing the legs he moves towards the door, opens it and calls out:-
TED: excuse me? i'm sorry, you did say he was in didn't you?
SANDRA: (V.O) yes he hasn't left,
Ted looks around the room, goes over to the desk and looks over the top of it expecting the MANAGER to be behind it. he stands up straight again and once again looks round the room, this time noticing the pair of legs beneath the curtains. cautiously walking over, we see the curtains twitching faster and faster as he approaches. TED rips back the curtains revealing the MANAGER who instantly shrieks in terror and runs across the room to the safety of underneath his desk.
TED: sir? (CAUTIOUSLY APPROACHES DESK) Ted Carruther's sir, you called me in for an interview?
MANAGER: (NOT A TRACE OF FEAR) oh yes my boy, do take a seat.
TED: Are you alright sir?
MANAGER: perfectly well my boy why d'you ask?
TED: you're underneath a desk sir
TED: yes
MANAGER: oh yes, i do indeed seem to be under my desk.
TED: umm, will you be coming out?
MANAGER: i can't see why i would. tea?
TED: sorry?
MANAGER: tea? do you want? or would you prefer coffee?
TED: umm, tea, please
TED: yes, urm, please.
MANAGER: sugar?
TED: no thankyou
MANAGER: watching your weight eh, my wife tells me to cut down on the sugar but she's just as bad...aren't you darling?
WIFE: (ALSO FROM BENEATH THE DESK) oh i'm not that bad anymore dear, i take sweetener nowadays.
MANAGER: none of that for me, a good strong sweet brew for me. i began as a labourer you see, got a taste for it then.
WIFE: you used to be out in the sun doing manual labour back then dear, your body needed the sugar.
MANAGER: lets not get into this now darling, Mr.Carruther's is here for the job opening in F Department.
WIFE: right - o, i'll go and get out of your hair, lovely to have met you Mr.Carruther's (A FEMALE HAND APPEARS ABOVE THE DESK, TED REACHES OVER TO SHAKE IT) and good luck to you.
TED: Thankyou
MANAGER: alright Ted, so you worked for Crinkle's for 5 years, why did you leave them?
TED: the company were forced to downsize and i was made redundant.
MANAGER: i see, and are you redundant?
TED: umm, well at the moment i am, thats why i'm here for the job
MANAGER:ooph, don't know if we want any redundant people here at Bingle's. leaving great piles of it everywhere
TED: i'm sorry sir?
MANAGER: redundant people, leave piles of poo everywhere
TED: ...i think you're mistaken sir, Redundant means that they didn't have a job for me there anymore.
MANAGER: so what was i thinking of? big noses...
TED: Elephants sir?
MANAGER: thats the bunnys. spot on. well i think we can get you started (SOUND OF HOOVERING FROM UNDER DESK) Marge dear! can you turn that off we're nearly done? can't hear meself think in heare (HOOVER STOPS) there we go. where was i...yes, i think we could get you started on monday if that suits you?
TED: yes sir, thankyou very much.
MANAGER: good man, see you monday.
TED shakes the MANAGER's hand that appears above the desk and exits.

After Dinner Speaking

Settle down please everyone, settle down. Now we are all gathered here, or here gathered I suppose, being the occasion that it is, to celebrate our dear friend and may I just begin by congratulating the chef's on there marvellous food. The pork was…well…pig…like, and the pheasant…should have been grouse by all accounts but that's neither here nor there now. Now we are all gathered neither here nor there this afternoon, oop well, I suppose evening now, all gathered here this evening to celebrate our good mate who was always there for us when we…wait can you hear me? I say, can you hear me at the back there? Eh?...speak up lad speak up. I said speak up! CAN-YOU-HEAR-ME? O-K G-O-OD. Right where was I? oh yes right here nor there to celebrate our chum. [aside] pour us a drink love that's right, no right to the top don't be scared it won't bite [to all] though I might later eh lads? Alright settle down settle down.
Now we are all gathered here tonight to celebrate our mate…oh hang on a moment I had all this written down [pats pockets followed by rustle of paper] yes here we go. [reading] we are all gathered here oh I've done that [murmuring] gathered here tonight to celebrate our dear friend Alf. [normal volume] he was always there for us when we needed him, I remember that night well when my herd got out and Alf was there in the driving rain helping me fetch them back. Yes, I remember that night well, it was only a week ago, it was the pneumonia he got then that finished him off but that's neither here nor there now, what matters now is that if he hadn't of been there he would be here now, so I guess it is here and now now. Lets not get caught up in the why's and how's and lets just get down to the business of raising our glasses to Alf. To Alf!... no Nora, your glass of wine not your specs, I said YOUR GLASS OF WINE DEAR, NOT YOUR SPE…oh forget it, marge love tell her its…YES THAT'S RIGHT DEAR, YEAH CHEERS LOVE…marge take that glass off her that's the third she's had and you know what it does to her…STICK TO THE BITTER LEMON LOVE, THE BITTER LEMON!...Mark get her a bitter lemon lad quick sharpish. Right, where were we…?
Alf was a fine man, I remember growing up on the farm, waking up those summer mornings and rushing out into the yard to find him sitting on that old stump and filling his pipe. I'd run up and leap on his shoulders and jump around like a young fool. If I'd known then about his crippling sciatica I probably would've reconsidered my actions but when your young you don't know the meaning of sciatica, fact is I don't know it now but that's the man I am. If doctor hadn't told me what pneumonia was I wouldn't know that either, would of done a bloody sight bit of good if he'd told me what it meant before I sent out Alf on that stormy night but least said soonest mended as my ma was wont of saying. Course she and Alf were an item back in the day [murmurings] now, now, I know what you all know and I may know a might bit more than you I know. I heard those rumours back when I was a lad as you all did and I know many say that perhaps they were a bit closer than sharing a tea cake over a hot Bovril of an evening but I can say categorically that it was absolute lies. Alf told me himself as he lay on his deathbed, well I say deathbed I mean death-turf but that's neither here nor there.
Alf lasted a good long time, he outlived my old dad. They were always together those two, I remember the time my dad told me about the time him and Alf went up town to meet up with these two birds and these two were real stunners. Anyway, me dad and Alf went to the King's Head and met up with old Jim Rogers and he said that this bird Alf was with did something special if you pinched her bum. So they go on to the Hammer and there's Albert Fenning and he says the same thing, pinch her bum for a treat. Goes without saying, old Alf's getting pretty hot by this point, probably not for young un's marge cover his ears. Right, so he's getting pretty hot and he takes her out into the alley behind and grabs her with both hands. Course I never believed the rumours about my Mum but I know there are those that do and I say shame on them. Anyway, bygones and all that, so lets just raise our glasses to Alf. To Alf! Now then, lets see about refilling this drink…

The Mob Lectures Part 2

The Mob Lectures Pt.2: Depression

at the age of 11/12ish i was diagnosed and clinically depressive. this differs, as far as my understanding goes, from manic depression in that the mood swings are not so viloently changeable, the depressive state is a steady one that can last indefinetly. in my case it usually lasts from one to two weeks and is usually started by some otherwise insignificant event that would be meaningless if it did not begin a spiral of mental destruction that is my depression.
my first bout of depression lasted about 6 months and would only affect me at home. at school and at friends houses i was perfectly fine but almost as soon as i returned home i would become so resentful of the presence of other people that i would shut myself away. after 2 months my parents took me to my local GP. after talking to him about my problems and what i believed was the problem he prescribed me fluexetine, more commonly known as prozac. i took this for the next 4 months as eventually my mental state returned to normal but this is far from a permanent state, it still affects me, usually at least once every 2 months.
when i was diagnosed as a diabetic this initially didn't trigger a depression episode, i was too focussed on trying to deal with the diabetes, but soon afterwards, when i was due to start a new course at a new university i suffered a mental breakdown due in part to my depression that forced me to return home. this is one of the worst events of my life, i nearly physically collapsed as it felt that the entire universe had just imploded onto my mind.

for me, depression is a twisted knot of darkness in the pit of my stomach, a mixture of anger, guilt and self-pity that constantly grips like a fist and pulls all the happiness out of life. it is the downward spiral. you are never truly cured of depression, you just have to deal with it, and the hope to hell that the people around you are human enough to recognise it and let you deal with it. and are still there when it passes.

Winston Churchill suffered from throughout his life and it's become an established fact that he described it as 'The Black Dog'. I believe it's pretty much universally thought of as the perfect description of the tension and darkness that stalks. you can feel it coming but the feeling is impossible to accurately describe, like trying to describe blue.

i write this for myself. it's something i don't usually talk about. maybe out of shame, maybe because my demeanour is usually so cheery that no one asks whether i'm depressed, either way this has been quite therapeutic.
The Mob Lectures P.t 1 of a several : Masculinist Literature

Much has been written in the last hundred or so years on the subject of feminism and it's place within literature. highlighting the place of the female within society it has been a major force for change. by emphasising the failings of a male dominated society and it's treatment of woman it has opened the eyes of many members of society to some of the barbarism and degredation that woman suffered and what had to be done to change this.

it has, however, eclipsed even the idea of Masculinist literature. it is an unfortunate truth that within our society we have become so obsessed with what is acceptable that the line of neutrality has shifted in favour of over sensitivity to discussion of certain topics that really cause no offence, it is only certain people that believe it should. this has created the situation where feminism has become such an accepted norm that the idea of masculinism instantly becomes associated with a sexist, female oppressive genre, but Masculinism is merely the highlighting of problems within the male sector of society, problems that have every right to be viewed as equally as Feminine.

Young male suicide rates have tripled in the last thirty years, they are now 6 times higher than that of females of the same age.

There is so little that can be truly described as masculinist literature partly due to the inherent idea that to be maculinist is to be sexist, but also partly because of the male dominated society that exists. Male specific problems are made a problem for society as a whole, whereas female specific problems are forced into the spotlight only by focus groups devoted to that end. it could be surmised that when Masculinist Literature is recognised as a genre is when we achieve true equality; when the problems of men are their own, and not forced onto everyone's shoulders.
Some may say that Masculinist Literature already exists, that the war fiction and spy novels deal with Men but this is not true. like the Chick-lit holiday fiction, these war novels don't deal with the actual everyday issues of a modern man, they force a view into the reader's mind of what life should be. A fantasy of what we all believe life is about but actually reflecting nothing of the truth. Ian Fleming is not Germaine Greer. Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy is not the Female Eunuch.

the line between Masculinism and sexism is an incredibly fine one but it is an artificial line created by society. True Masculinism is not interested in the oppression of the female or Feminism but just the opposite; to highlight, in equal measure with feminism, the plight that modern men deal with. in certain cases this can be even worse than that of women. the accepted society norm for men is a strenght and dependability, making many men contain their emotions and feelings inside them unhealthily whereas for a woman, who arguably, on balance, have a much more difficult life than a man from the beginning, it is much more acceptable to release emotion. to show emotion as a man is to show your weakness, and other men will pounce on that so as to re-enforce their own masculinity in a bizarre pack ritual. If, in our society, we are ever going to stop abuse from men, violence and maybe even war, we are going to have to allow men to express themselves as a group openly and without fear of emotional destruction because of it. This requires such an incredible shattering of what is considered normal within society that only a major disaster could ever offer that opportunity for change.

The only novel, to my knowledge, that could ever truly be called masculinist literature would be Catcher In The Rye by J.D. Sallinger. The tale of a young man it follows if life over few days around the Christmas holiday from his Preparatory school. It unashamedly deals with the whole gamut of feelings and emotions that the boy experiences and Sallinger is unabashed in his description of them. this book truly comes from the heart of someone who has many problems, and sees many problems with young men and has decided to show them to the world through literature. this is what Masculinist literature should be about, highlighting Male problems with society just like Feminist literature does the same for Females.

i'd also like to re-emphasize my full support of the feminist movement, Male oppression and abuse is a despicable and unforgivable act.