Wednesday, 25 June 2008

Cannibalism for the under 40's

his sketch has some material taken from CRABMAN, THE MOTION PICTURE, but slightly adapted. it's also a little sick.

(In an Italian restaurant. A lovely couple are sitting down to dinner. The WAITER approaches with their food and places it on the table then takes the parmesan he was balancing on the inside of his arm.)

WAITER: would you like some parmesan on your food.

WOMAN: no thanks. Could we just have the bill?

WAITER: certainly. (Takes out the order pad from his pocket, rips off the top sheet, tears it neatly in half and places it neatly on top of their food and moves away)

MAN: (smelling food) mmm… delicious, I do enjoy a proper Italian meal.

WOMAN: Oh! Is this made with Italians?

MAN: uh no darling, made by Italians

WOMAN: oh of course… so the 'Italian' content of this meal would be…?

MAN: well, zero I suppose

WOMAN: (taking dieting book out of bag blazoned with the title, 'CANNIBAL CALORIES') zero Italian… (flicking through pages) Italian… Italian…ah yes, here we are, zero Italian is… good! Well, let's tuck in.

MAN: can't we have a night off the diet for once darling?

WOMAN: of course not, it's important that we maintain our strict diet so we can run this marathon for your Grandmother's hip replacement.

MAN: she needs that replacement hip because you ate it

WOMAN: I'm sorry but you know I was raised a cannibal when you married me and you told me you accepted that. Don't try to change me!

MAN: I'm not trying to change you darling, I'm just asking you to try something different for once

WOMAN: you know I don't like anything fancy, just simple home cooking.

MAN: simple home cooking doesn't normally involve Mr. Feathers from 42B

WOMAN: he was willing!

MAN: he was dead!

WOMAN: oh you've never understood me! You just married me for my money and my fabulous good looks

MAN: darling you know that simply isn't true

WOMAN: my mother warned me about men like you! Right before she ate Uncle Frank she said to me, 'That Steve is no good'

MAN: darling I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you, I truly didn't.

WOMAN: well… you did

MAN: and I'm sorry… look, shall we just pay for this and go home, we can open a bottle of wine and snuggle down on the sofa.

WOMAN: ok…

MAN: waiter!

(the WAITER enters)

WAITER: yes sir

MAN: could we have the cheque?

WAITER: certainly sir

(WAITER exits, a few moments of MAN comforting WOMAN when the WAITER re-enters followed by a man of eastern European origin)

CZECH: hello, my name is Janek

WOMAN: oh no thank you, I'm full of Italian.

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