Wednesday, 25 June 2008

the first generation of robots

MAN is sitting at a computer. flat is pretty nice and clean, obviously rather successful MAN.
MAN: damn this slow machine, when's my upgrade gonna get here
on cue, there is a knock at the door
MAN: aha (moves to the door and opens it, there is a DELIVERYMAN standing there next to a six foot tall box on a parcel truck.)
DELIVERYMAN: package for you, sign here
MAN: (signs clipboard, DELIVERYMAN wheels parcel in and exits) thankyou!
MAN pulls open box, a lot of foam packaging falls out revealing a very human like ROBOT wearing a suit and a smile inside.
ROBOT: good afternoon sir, i am Steve, your robot. i can perform a thousand and one tasks, i am also preloaded with Works version 5.0
MAN: i was hoping you'd have Word.
ROBOT: i'm afraid thats fifty pounds extra sir and should have been requested at the order date. would you like to see some of my online options?
MAN: ok
ROBOT pulls a folded adult magazine from inside his jacket and starts to display each page
MAN: oh god! ok, thankyou thats enough. can i stream my MP3 music (holds up mp3 player) through you?
ROBOT takes mp3 player from MAN, turns it on an puts on the headphones, starts to translate the music into beeps)
MAN: that doesn't really sound like my music
ROBOT: i am a polyphonic robot sir, we hope to be able to provide a realtone upgrade within the next five years
MAN: well ok, what else can you do? could you make me a cup of tea?
ROBOT: Tea function not found. A fatal error has occurred. the robot will now shutdown (stands their motionless)
MAN: what? umm, on (nothing) robot on
the robot 'wakes up'
ROBOT: your robot suffered a fatal error, it is reccomended that you restart in safe mode, please press ok (flips up palm to reveal 'OK' painted on it, MAN reaches over and presses it) you have chosen to restart in Safe Mode.
ROBOT moves over to the box and takes out a smaller box from inside that was behind (hopefully hidden in the packaging) with his back to the audience he takes out two inflated waterwings and a bike helmet and puts them on.
ROBOT: I have been restarted in safe mode. this is a diagnostic mode so that the fault can be identified. some of my functions have been disabled.
MAN: you've only been going 5 minutes, what went wrong?
ROBOT: i'm afraid i can't tell you that
MAN: then how am i supposed to find the fault
ROBOT shrugs shoulders
MAN: do you have a self-diagnostic program?
ROBOT: oh yes sir
MAN: then run it
ROBOT: bad command or file name
MAN: run diagnostic program
ROBOT: bad command or filename
MAN: hang on. um..ok.. run C : .. WONDOWS .. PROGRAM FILES.. DIAGNOSIS.EXE
ROBOT: running diagnosis (takes a stethoscope out of inside pocket and goes over to the man, starts listening to his chest with the stethoscope and looking at watch to count beats)
MAN: not on me you tit, end program! (robot returns to standing there motionless) right, wheres the manual? (goes over to the box and starts rummaging through packaging)
ROBOT: (after a short pause takes a paperclip with two boggly eyes stuck on it and talks out of the side of his mouth pretending its the paperclip talking) it looks like you're looking for the manual, would you like any help with that?
MAN: no thanks
ROBOT: (paperclip) it's time to save your work, would you like to save?
MAN: no!
ROBOT: (paperclip) are you sure you don't wish to save? if you do not save then you could lose your work
MAN: for god's sake! (moves to ROBOT) wheres the off switch
ROBOT: (paperclip) it looks like your trying to turn me off (takes out truncheon from pocket and hits MAN at opportune time when he isn't looking) you have not saved your work, please save before shutting down.
(keys rattle in the door and a WOMAN walks in, sees MAN on the floor and the robot standing there, she screams and runs to the phone.)
ROBOT: (Paperclip) it looks like your trying to ring the police (moves towards her brandishing truncheon) i am afraid i can't let you do that
end of scene just as he is about to strike.

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